I WAS BROKEN.. BEFORE.

A person who barely knows me will describe me as someone who is a problem-free person. He would surely describe me as someone who never felt sadness, pain, so on and so forth...

There is for sure a reason why I posted this, I don’t know, there’s just this something that pushes me to continue writing and I don’t know but I’m pretty sure as well that there’s a reason why you’re reading this. If you’re going to ask me now if I’m happy, I’d surely say yes and if you’ll ask me why am I happy, I’d surely say “I chose to be happy”. YES, I chose to be happy. To be honest, it took me almost a year to have this choice.

Heartbreak, it is. Yes, like any other girls out there, I also experienced how it feels to be heart-broken, to be dumped and worst, to be rejected. It’s the lamest most bullshark feeling a person who is sensitive like me, would ever ever felt. Today, March 15, 2012, is supposed to be a year after I was rejected. That’s why if you have noticed, I said it took me almost a year to make a choice to be happy. Glad it didn’t really take me a year though or more than a year. It was last year when I cried for an unreciprocated love with someone else. That’s why I really know the feeling of being rejected especially with someone you respected, cared of, and truly loved. It was last year, when in just a blink of an eye I received thru facebook lines like this:

“This won’t work out. I know it’s hard. Sakit man gyapon sa ako kay in a short period of time, napamahal na ako. Pero trish, if kita gyud then maybe we’ll see each other in the future diba? I just want to be of myself now. The next time I’ll fall in love, I’ll make it sure it would be for forever. Sorry. Friends?”

I already memorized that line since I kept reading that before when every time I asked myself “WHY?”

The person who sent me that never really had a relationship with me. This made his lines awkward if I was in his place.  You know what I’m talking about, right? He never courted. He just told me that he loves me, he cares for me and he was very proud to have me. I felt the same way too; I even introduced him to my mom before.

While I was reading those lines, tears immediately fell like a small stream. I didn’t know what to reply. I even called my aunt to ask her what to reply. At first I replied, “If that will make you happy okay, friends :) “But few hours after, I replied again but it was more detailed. It was like asking him “WHY SO SUDDEN?”. 

During those times, I self-pitied. I blamed myself for not being able to be the girl he wanted me to be. I had sleepless nights. I then slowly realized that maybe he didn’t really love me. Maybe he thought it was love. Maybe he needed to focus in his studies. Maybe just maybe, he still loves his High School sweetheart whom he usually mentioned to me. . .

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

It was honestly hard for me to move on since I didn’t know how. Ugh. It was something I JUST felt for heaven’s sake! Every time I opened my facebook before, I immediately go to his profile and just see nothing. I should have reminded myself he was not a facebook geek. I over think before which lead me to frustrations.  There was even a time when I read a status from him which says “Wth. Called her. What was I thinking?”.  I then told myself, “Okay, they’re together now”. Why did I have to think like that? Why did I have to view his facebook? Why did I have to know WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO US? Wait, was there such word as “US” for him? . All I needed before was to tell me the reason and all he said was “WALA KO KABALO”. Like, how come he didn’t know? Normally, there’s always a reason WHY you do such things. There’s no such thing as YOU DO NOT KNOW when you’re the one who made the decision. RIGHT?  I also wanted him to tell me why or just see me in person and talked about it and then he said “Wala natay storyahan trish”. Ouch.

My tita told me “Pau, I know you can’t love someone you know for just a month. You don’t really love him. You just like him, A LOT. Tell him how you feel. Text him. Don’t force yourself to forget him. Give him what he wants”. I then told myself, “As if I have a choice”. Which made everything UNFAIR. VERY UNFAIR.

“I’m sorry if I cannot produce flowery words that can make butterflies in your stomach but all I know is that I LOVE YOU and I’M PROUD THAT I MET YOU”

“I don’t know why I’m drawn to you this fast but all I know is that I miss you kung dili ta magkita”

“You deserve to be respected”

“I can’t afford to lose you at an early age so you better take good care of yourself”

“Gusto ko ikaw akong ulian permi after board”

If a person tells you he loves you, he’s proud to have you and that he can never afford to lose you, there’s no guarantee that he will never leave you. I’m not bitter about this but it would be more wonderful if a person will prove his love thru his actions and not thru lip service. This goes to a saying which says “Action speaks louder than words”. Don’t give false hope to someone you truly love and care about. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY and SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Don’t go in between.

A month after, I met someone new who told me he knows the feeling of being broken-hearted. He was there too, he added. I thought everything will turn out to be so good since we both experienced pain in our previous love but I was wrong.

This guy I’m talking about courted for just a month. I didn’t take it any longer since I trusted him a lot. I believed in him. He even told me was lucky to have me and that how stupid the guy I fell in love before to leave me with no apparent reason.  I was so sure that he will never leave me. During our first month of being together as a couple, we never had a fight. We were always happy. We couldn’t stand not to see each other even just a day. He introduced me to his family which gave me an assurance that he will really take good care of me. My parents also knew about our relationship.

We reached two months of being together until one night I received a text saying “Sorry, I can’t continue”. I was like “WHAAAT? WHY? PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME.” I even told him “Let’s talk about this in person” he just told me “Wala natay storyahan trish”. OHEM! That line was so familiar. I bet it’s already a cliché. I wanted to call him but he just told me that he’ll turn off his phone. Dammit.I was never able to sleep that night. I was awake for more than 24 hours. I did everything to make him stay. I did everything, honestly. I even begged for him and cried in front of him. WHAT A LOSER. WHAT A SHAME. Bullshark. 

Few days after, he came back. He told me how sorry he was and that he wanted to go back from the start and again, I believed. That’s how stupid I was. Few days after again, he broke up with me, he came back again and he broke up with me for four times. What The Freaaak.  

One night, even after what he did, I texted him “Please don’t make me miss you so much” he replied saying “Start missing me, we’re done!” Yes, with an exclamation point.

I then decided to move on.

It wasn’t hard for me to move on maybe because there’s a reason for me to do so. I mean, why would I force myself to someone who rejected me for four times, right?

I then started hanging out with some friends. I surrounded myself with happy people. Along the way, I had some kinda different environment from where I was used to. I gave Ken that time a chance to befriend me. I know we’re already friends for years already but we never had that kind of bond. I only treated him as a friend, at first. I didn’t want to have a relationship anymore. I think I became bitter. I always generalize all men being like those guys I met which is actually a mistake. During those times, the guy who recently dumped me came back for the nth time and told me he was sorry, that he only wanted to look for his self and that he’s already sure he found his self. He even gave me a letter which perhaps I must say; summed up all the things he wanted to say. I wanted to believe. I wanted to give it a try again but my heart already said “NO”. My heart voluntarily quitted.  I just told him before that the next time you court girl, stand for your decision. As one of my favorite songs says, “Love is not a place to come and go as we please”.

I thought I was already okay few months ago. I thought being with Ken, without any commitment, is something I wanted. I watched 500 days of summer and I agreed with what Summer said; “Relationships are messy and feelings are always getting hurt”. I never realized I became bitter and slowly hurting Ken. There were times before that I just suddenly told Ken that I don’t wanna see him again. I don’t wanna hang out with him. THAT I STILL LOVE THE GUY WHO FIRST BROKE MY HEART. Which I know was a total slapped on his face. Ken, being so nice, still stayed with me and I’m sure it’s not usually what guys do. Ken just told me that nobody can help me not even the guy who broke my heart. Ken told me that he will always love me and that he wants the best of me even if it means breaking his heart. Awwwwe. =’<

I gave myself a break. I prayed and God didn’t really make me suffer. God answered all the questions the guy who first broke my heart couldn’t answer. I cried. I was so happy. God took all my fears.  God didn’t take all the pieces of my broken heart. He gave me a new heart! The moment I didn’t search for love, LOVE HAS SOMEHOW FOUND ME. PLUS PLUS, Ken, formally asked my parent’s permission. He told my mom that his intentions are good. WHAT A PLUS FACTOR. I don’t wanna talk more about me and Ken since all you have to do is read THIS and THIS.

I realized I already was in love to Ken, but I was just too scared... too scared to be rejected for the third time. It was just so amazing that the man whom I truly deserve was just there all along and I failed to see him.

I deserved to be happy. I chose to be happy.

It was on a valentine’s day last year when I met the one who first broke my heart, THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY. READ THIS AND THIS. It’s such a blessing to finally meet the guy I’m now very sure of. (READ THIS) GUYS ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. There are still good guys out there. I’m not saying the previous two guys in my life were not good maybe they were just roads that lead me to the man I truly deserve.  Maybe those two guys were made for someone and I hope the next time they’ll fall in love, they’ll make it sure first. I’ll share to you guys the poem which Patty Laurel shared on her blog..

 BLESS THE BROKEN ROAD

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I’m not saying now that Ken will be the man I’ll end up with but we will both work things out and we will both make it sure we’ll surpass all the obstacles that are coming on our way as we move forward to the most beautiful adventure we call --  LIFE.

 I also encourage you to listen to this song just pause the music below: