I THOUGHT I'VE MOVED ON.

TRICIA COLEEN LEDESMA-VALLAR, BACHELOR IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION,  CUM LAUDE.
TRICIA COLEEN LEDESMA-VALLAR, BACHELOR IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION,  CUM LAUDE
TRICIA COLEEN LEDESMA-VALLAR, BACHELOR IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION,  CUM LAUDE

Reality now speaks. It was just a dream.

Last year 2008, I enrolled myself at Mindanao University  of Science and Technology with the course Bachelor of  Science in Information Technology as a scholar. It wasn't really my choice since I already decided to be enrolled in Bachelor in Public Administration since it was newly offered by the school. Unfortunately, I wouldn't   be able to avail my scholarship if I'll have that course so I was forced to took BS IT. After a year, I wasn't really happy with my grades specially with my major subject - tres. what a shame. My mom advised me to shift so I was happy to be enrolled with the course I really wanted in the first place. Luckily, with perseverance and hard work, I'm going to finish my second course for three years instead of four years. That's the reason why I'll still graduate this 2012 even if I shifted. ( Basically when you shift, you'll have yo extend 1 year in college)

A week from now, I'm going to finish college. That was the simplest goal I had few months ago - to graduate. Yes, as simple as that but just this week, I heard a news that I am capable to be one of the honors but unfortunately, I'm disqualified since I am a shiftee. It may sound really lame but that is what's written in the handbook. *insert sad face here.

I already know last summer that once you're a shiftee, you cannot be qualified to be in the honors list. That's a fact I already accepted 10 months ago. Suddenly, I once again received a news like " honor unta ka, dili lang pwede kay shifee ka". I THOUGHT I'VE MOVED ON. I think it was better when I didn't know. I was really disappointed and I've had a lot of  

"IF ONLY..."

But just when I felt very down and upset, a few of my real friends texted me and cheered me up. I felt so happy and I felt so special. They told me that there's more to life than regretting about what I've heard. Certainly, grades won't  define you - character does.

My Desktop background during the time when... *BLAH BLAH BLAHS

... because of what happened, I remember the thoughts shared by some people during the recollection we had last Saturday. The theme was "A journey to Success". To God, Success means being the person God wants you to be. I barely understand if there's something good about what had happen to me but I know that it's God's plan. I may not be able to understand it now but someday, I will. During the recollection, I sent messages to my friends that "When in doubt, Jeremiah 29:11"  

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse in the bible was repeated several times by the speakers themselves. It somehow gives us inspiration that whatever happens to us, God always has something good for us... that God never leaves us. All we have to do is to trust Him and cask all our doubts to Him. These plans that God set for us will never harm us, it will even bring us to prosperity.


I know there's a benefit of being a cum laude like exempting yourself from the civil service examination.. but I know that even if I failed to be one of the honor students, I still consider myself a winner for passing all my exams. I dedicate this to my parents whose faces I saw every time I answered my exams. They are my inspiration.


With the kind of life right now, there's nothing more to ask for.


I THOUGHT I'VE MOVED ON.... and I was right, I already did. *smile

To all graduating students, I wanna share something that is worth-reading.. click THIS.

Commandment #10: Stay in touch

This commandment is actually more challenging for me than it sounds. Honestly, I am terrible at staying in touch with friends. It is a little easier if they live nearby, but even then I might see those friends once a month. And then there are all my friends who live out of the city, maintaining those relationships is challenging.


I’m a walking contradiction. I LOVE my friendships. I THRIVE on them. I just stink at putting in the effort. My super lame excuse is that I dislike talking on the phone. I know. Lame.

I think it is safe to say that my friends know that I love them, but I want to put some action behind that love.

Friendships take a lot of work. It’s especially difficult to maintain and nurture those relationships when many of my friends are spread out all over the country. So that is where this commandment comes in. I want to make an effort. Whether it is texting more often, a comment on facebook, skyping, taking the time to write a handwritten card, sending a care package or even taking a trip, I want to be a better friend.

Dear friends,
Many of you live far from me. Others of you live close, yet we don’t see each other as often as I’d like. I miss all of you like crazy. I hate not being there and not knowing the everyday details of your life. I miss talking to you everyday about everything and absolutely nothing. I miss laughing with you. I miss going on random adventures. You have helped shape me and make me who I am. I hope and pray that you will forever be a part of my life. Thank you for allowing me to be myself with you. Thank you for accepting me as I am.

I love you dearly,
Tricia

I WAS BROKEN.. BEFORE.

A person who barely knows me will describe me as someone who is a problem-free person. He would surely describe me as someone who never felt sadness, pain, so on and so forth...

There is for sure a reason why I posted this, I don’t know, there’s just this something that pushes me to continue writing and I don’t know but I’m pretty sure as well that there’s a reason why you’re reading this. If you’re going to ask me now if I’m happy, I’d surely say yes and if you’ll ask me why am I happy, I’d surely say “I chose to be happy”. YES, I chose to be happy. To be honest, it took me almost a year to have this choice.

Heartbreak, it is. Yes, like any other girls out there, I also experienced how it feels to be heart-broken, to be dumped and worst, to be rejected. It’s the lamest most bullshark feeling a person who is sensitive like me, would ever ever felt. Today, March 15, 2012, is supposed to be a year after I was rejected. That’s why if you have noticed, I said it took me almost a year to make a choice to be happy. Glad it didn’t really take me a year though or more than a year. It was last year when I cried for an unreciprocated love with someone else. That’s why I really know the feeling of being rejected especially with someone you respected, cared of, and truly loved. It was last year, when in just a blink of an eye I received thru facebook lines like this:

“This won’t work out. I know it’s hard. Sakit man gyapon sa ako kay in a short period of time, napamahal na ako. Pero trish, if kita gyud then maybe we’ll see each other in the future diba? I just want to be of myself now. The next time I’ll fall in love, I’ll make it sure it would be for forever. Sorry. Friends?”

I already memorized that line since I kept reading that before when every time I asked myself “WHY?”

The person who sent me that never really had a relationship with me. This made his lines awkward if I was in his place.  You know what I’m talking about, right? He never courted. He just told me that he loves me, he cares for me and he was very proud to have me. I felt the same way too; I even introduced him to my mom before.

While I was reading those lines, tears immediately fell like a small stream. I didn’t know what to reply. I even called my aunt to ask her what to reply. At first I replied, “If that will make you happy okay, friends :) “But few hours after, I replied again but it was more detailed. It was like asking him “WHY SO SUDDEN?”. 

During those times, I self-pitied. I blamed myself for not being able to be the girl he wanted me to be. I had sleepless nights. I then slowly realized that maybe he didn’t really love me. Maybe he thought it was love. Maybe he needed to focus in his studies. Maybe just maybe, he still loves his High School sweetheart whom he usually mentioned to me. . .

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

“Si kuan bitaw kay..”

It was honestly hard for me to move on since I didn’t know how. Ugh. It was something I JUST felt for heaven’s sake! Every time I opened my facebook before, I immediately go to his profile and just see nothing. I should have reminded myself he was not a facebook geek. I over think before which lead me to frustrations.  There was even a time when I read a status from him which says “Wth. Called her. What was I thinking?”.  I then told myself, “Okay, they’re together now”. Why did I have to think like that? Why did I have to view his facebook? Why did I have to know WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO US? Wait, was there such word as “US” for him? . All I needed before was to tell me the reason and all he said was “WALA KO KABALO”. Like, how come he didn’t know? Normally, there’s always a reason WHY you do such things. There’s no such thing as YOU DO NOT KNOW when you’re the one who made the decision. RIGHT?  I also wanted him to tell me why or just see me in person and talked about it and then he said “Wala natay storyahan trish”. Ouch.

My tita told me “Pau, I know you can’t love someone you know for just a month. You don’t really love him. You just like him, A LOT. Tell him how you feel. Text him. Don’t force yourself to forget him. Give him what he wants”. I then told myself, “As if I have a choice”. Which made everything UNFAIR. VERY UNFAIR.

“I’m sorry if I cannot produce flowery words that can make butterflies in your stomach but all I know is that I LOVE YOU and I’M PROUD THAT I MET YOU”

“I don’t know why I’m drawn to you this fast but all I know is that I miss you kung dili ta magkita”

“You deserve to be respected”

“I can’t afford to lose you at an early age so you better take good care of yourself”

“Gusto ko ikaw akong ulian permi after board”

If a person tells you he loves you, he’s proud to have you and that he can never afford to lose you, there’s no guarantee that he will never leave you. I’m not bitter about this but it would be more wonderful if a person will prove his love thru his actions and not thru lip service. This goes to a saying which says “Action speaks louder than words”. Don’t give false hope to someone you truly love and care about. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY and SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Don’t go in between.

A month after, I met someone new who told me he knows the feeling of being broken-hearted. He was there too, he added. I thought everything will turn out to be so good since we both experienced pain in our previous love but I was wrong.

This guy I’m talking about courted for just a month. I didn’t take it any longer since I trusted him a lot. I believed in him. He even told me was lucky to have me and that how stupid the guy I fell in love before to leave me with no apparent reason.  I was so sure that he will never leave me. During our first month of being together as a couple, we never had a fight. We were always happy. We couldn’t stand not to see each other even just a day. He introduced me to his family which gave me an assurance that he will really take good care of me. My parents also knew about our relationship.

We reached two months of being together until one night I received a text saying “Sorry, I can’t continue”. I was like “WHAAAT? WHY? PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME.” I even told him “Let’s talk about this in person” he just told me “Wala natay storyahan trish”. OHEM! That line was so familiar. I bet it’s already a cliché. I wanted to call him but he just told me that he’ll turn off his phone. Dammit.I was never able to sleep that night. I was awake for more than 24 hours. I did everything to make him stay. I did everything, honestly. I even begged for him and cried in front of him. WHAT A LOSER. WHAT A SHAME. Bullshark. 

Few days after, he came back. He told me how sorry he was and that he wanted to go back from the start and again, I believed. That’s how stupid I was. Few days after again, he broke up with me, he came back again and he broke up with me for four times. What The Freaaak.  

One night, even after what he did, I texted him “Please don’t make me miss you so much” he replied saying “Start missing me, we’re done!” Yes, with an exclamation point.

I then decided to move on.

It wasn’t hard for me to move on maybe because there’s a reason for me to do so. I mean, why would I force myself to someone who rejected me for four times, right?

I then started hanging out with some friends. I surrounded myself with happy people. Along the way, I had some kinda different environment from where I was used to. I gave Ken that time a chance to befriend me. I know we’re already friends for years already but we never had that kind of bond. I only treated him as a friend, at first. I didn’t want to have a relationship anymore. I think I became bitter. I always generalize all men being like those guys I met which is actually a mistake. During those times, the guy who recently dumped me came back for the nth time and told me he was sorry, that he only wanted to look for his self and that he’s already sure he found his self. He even gave me a letter which perhaps I must say; summed up all the things he wanted to say. I wanted to believe. I wanted to give it a try again but my heart already said “NO”. My heart voluntarily quitted.  I just told him before that the next time you court girl, stand for your decision. As one of my favorite songs says, “Love is not a place to come and go as we please”.

I thought I was already okay few months ago. I thought being with Ken, without any commitment, is something I wanted. I watched 500 days of summer and I agreed with what Summer said; “Relationships are messy and feelings are always getting hurt”. I never realized I became bitter and slowly hurting Ken. There were times before that I just suddenly told Ken that I don’t wanna see him again. I don’t wanna hang out with him. THAT I STILL LOVE THE GUY WHO FIRST BROKE MY HEART. Which I know was a total slapped on his face. Ken, being so nice, still stayed with me and I’m sure it’s not usually what guys do. Ken just told me that nobody can help me not even the guy who broke my heart. Ken told me that he will always love me and that he wants the best of me even if it means breaking his heart. Awwwwe. =’<

I gave myself a break. I prayed and God didn’t really make me suffer. God answered all the questions the guy who first broke my heart couldn’t answer. I cried. I was so happy. God took all my fears.  God didn’t take all the pieces of my broken heart. He gave me a new heart! The moment I didn’t search for love, LOVE HAS SOMEHOW FOUND ME. PLUS PLUS, Ken, formally asked my parent’s permission. He told my mom that his intentions are good. WHAT A PLUS FACTOR. I don’t wanna talk more about me and Ken since all you have to do is read THIS and THIS.

I realized I already was in love to Ken, but I was just too scared... too scared to be rejected for the third time. It was just so amazing that the man whom I truly deserve was just there all along and I failed to see him.

I deserved to be happy. I chose to be happy.

It was on a valentine’s day last year when I met the one who first broke my heart, THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY. READ THIS AND THIS. It’s such a blessing to finally meet the guy I’m now very sure of. (READ THIS) GUYS ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. There are still good guys out there. I’m not saying the previous two guys in my life were not good maybe they were just roads that lead me to the man I truly deserve.  Maybe those two guys were made for someone and I hope the next time they’ll fall in love, they’ll make it sure first. I’ll share to you guys the poem which Patty Laurel shared on her blog..

 BLESS THE BROKEN ROAD

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I’m not saying now that Ken will be the man I’ll end up with but we will both work things out and we will both make it sure we’ll surpass all the obstacles that are coming on our way as we move forward to the most beautiful adventure we call --  LIFE.

 I also encourage you to listen to this song just pause the music below:

Commandment #9: GROW.

This is a commandment that has become especially important to me since I am about to finish college. One of my favorite professors would always say that if you are not growing you are stagnant. It’s one or the other. I tend to agree. I think it’s so important to continue learning and bettering yourself. It shouldn't stop with school or a relationship or a job. Growing and becoming is an on-going, life-long process. 

See your future. 

Think BIG.

What does it take to get there?

Ignite your passion.

Rise above your circumstances.

Accept yourself for who you are.

Set goals.

Go.

Grow.

Become.

LET GO.

HAPPY FRIENDS.

I think I need to give myself a break of blogging my nerve-wracking commandments. This time, I'm very proud to share to you guys my HAPPY FRIENDS. I named the group happy friends since when we are together, all we do is to just laugh and laugh. :) Some of the people we met before somehow found there own ways now and I think the best thing to do is to be happy for them. :) blah blah blah. Bygones are bygones, aryt? *insert sarcastic facial expression here* 


Yesterday, we were all together once again. It was kellie's post birthday celebration. Well kelskie, thinking back on our friendship, more than anything else, I just feel so blessed to know you. You have brought so much laughter and adventure into my life. So what did I do for kelskie yesterday? Me and Ken just bought a sliced cake, a rose, and a card. I think I was able to put all my words in the card I gave but kels, There is so much I could say to you. But what I really want to say is "thank you for being a friend!" Lol! Okay, seriously though, I love you so much and I am so blessed to be able to call you my friend. Let's be friends forever, okay?

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays and that this next year exceeds your expectations! I love you millions!

KELLIE and ME :)

HAPPINESS :)) no need to discuss further ;)

HAPPY FRIENDS @ STEVE'S. (wala ang BABY ni AJ) HAHAHA. 

Mark and AJ :)

Josie, Aj, and Julie :DD 

HAPPY ARE MY FRIENDS :)) 

I PERSONALLY WOULD LIKE TO TELL MY HAPPY FRIENDS THAT I'M GLAD TO HAVE SUCH A GREAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU. GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO ME. YOU ALL ARE A BLESSING TO ME. LOVE YOU GUYS! :*

-tricia <3









 

Commandment #8: What would I do if I weren't scared?

I have mentioned this before. Many times in my life I have felt that something is holding me back. I don't even know if I could describe it. Perhaps it is a lack of confidence or a fear of failure. Plus, I have a tendency to be a bit of a worry wart. (Both those words disgust me. Worry. Wart. Gross.)

I've had that "someday" mentality. Like, I want to do such and such, but I'll do it "someday". I used to think that trying and FAILING was the worst thing that could happen. What if I did (fill in the blank) and wasn't any good? That would be embarrassing and then I would DIE. (Obviously.) If I didn't try than I couldn't fail. Over the past eight or so years, I have learned that the more than failure the worst thing is NEVER TRYING. If I don't at least TRY than I won't do anything.

Life is a trial and error kind of thing. You live. You take risks. You make mistakes. (SeeCommandment 7.) You learn. You make more mistakes. You grow. You become better.

I don't wanna babble out my life experiences during the tough times but all of those things were risky and NONE of them turned out how I thought they should. Each of those things were SO worthwhile and life changing. Had I NEVER done those things, I wouldn't be where I am or who I am and I wouldn't have learned life lessons along the way. I am better for each of those risks that I took.

Were they scary? I will answer with a resounding YES! Life is scary. Failure is scary. Mistakes are scary. Growth is scary. Change is scary. But all those things are also SO GOOD. They make life worth living. Be adventurous. Life is precious and too short, so we must make the most of it. Don't be afraid to try things. Make mistakes. Make a mess. But by all means make something with your life and the time you have.

What are you scared of? Stop letting it hold you back. Go. Do. It. The scariest things in life are often the most worthwhile.

Side note: I highly recommend reading FEARLESS by Max Lucado.

Commandment #7: Save More Than I Spend

My cursor has been blinking for like 10 minutes before I started writing about this commandment. Frankly, this commandment is just so difficult for me. HAHAHA.

THIS PIC SOMEHOW EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. HAHA. k.

Because of the influence of Ken, I now don't buy stuff that are not really needed. If there are stuffs that I really really love like stilettos, jeans, blouses and of course my lovies- BAGS. By having this commandment, I can surely remind myself to always go back to what I have posted here. Life will never always be easy that I can buy everything I want. I learned to value the things that I only need and set aside those things for satisfaction only. :) hihi.

Commandment #6: Be Kind

Does this commandment really need an explanation? I think so.


I don't know about you, but I have the capacity to be a big jerk sometimes. I lack patience with people. I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. I put blame on everyone except myself. I can be mean and selfish. I often judge others. Ugh. I sound like such an ugly person now, don’t I? Please extend to me some grace.

That is why I need this commandment. As the saying goes, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” We are all going through trials and struggles that are not visible with the naked eye. It is so easy to make a snap judgment of someone because of how things appear, but more often than not something deeper is going on. Perhaps a struggle with finances, relationships or illness; we can't know if we are on the defense. Something I say quite often is “hurt people, hurt people.” When someone says or does something unkind toward someone else I believe it means that they are coming from a place of deep hurt and they need kindness more than us fighting back.

When I am in pain it is SO EASY to lash out at others, because HELLO! I’m hurt and that gives me a free card to be a jerk to everyone. I for one get so wrapped up in my pain and struggles that I forget the world does not revolve around me and others are hurting too. I am trying to look at people through God’s eyes and recognize that He loves them too. More often than not we can relieve some of our own pain by helping others.

Did you know that 5 good things are equal to 1 bad thing? Think about it. How many times have you been having what seems like a great day when ONE bad thing happens and totally throws you for a loop? The bad seems to always outweigh the good. So let's work on the good and positive. Let's be kind to one another. I know that my day is easily brightened by a smile or kind words or a short note. This isn't always as easy as it sounds when we are hurting, but I believe that it is important to be intentional and see outside of our own bubbles to show compassion to others.

So my point is: Extend grace. Give people the benefit of the doubt. We are all broken. We all have burdens. We are all struggling. We are all fighting to make it through. Let’s extend a hand of friendship to each other. Be kind.