NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.

if he changes his mind, this is the first place he would go.

i think the song and the picture explains everything. :) *winks

EIGHTMONTHS.

this is really not fair! but okay, i don't care. I know I'm moving. I'm moving forward and I don't care if  I'm taking ages as long as i know that I'm going there.

THE GIFT.

... i am loved by someone unconditionally.

You're a million miles away from me :(

THE REALIZATION.

A MESSAGE FROM A VERY CONCERN FRIEND :)

ani trish hap, i dont know him personally so qng na.offend ka, im not really attacking him, these are just my thoughts k2ng na.read nq imo post..eheheh and sori daan but here it goes:

have you ever thought that maybe he never loved you? that you were someone that amused him for a time but then realized your just too much for him... or maybe he was just in it because he felt lonely and you were casually there that time..or maybe as simple as nasumhan lang gd xa... kei db ingon ka 1mon ramo nag.ila? taz ga.i love u2 na xa sa imo? thats not something a guy ,whom you expect him to be, would do... im glad you're not bitter about this, but stop justifying his act... nothing on this world could ever stop a guy if he indeed loves you except that you not loving him back...and its obviously not the case,.. i min, xur nobody is perfect and we all commit mistakes at times, pro we guys usually make up for it..and by what u're doing for him right now, it would take a minimum of one week coz it would kill him to the core seeing you suffering like that,.. the fact that he just ended it with "things wont work out......." means its the end of the line...he doesn't want you to wait, thats just it.. but even if he does, what makes you think that he'll not do it again? ikaw na may sabi db, you can't think of a single fault on why he did it,it was just him not wanting you in his life anymore, maybe that's his flaw that u just refuse to see in him kasi nga, na.inlove ka...or,,just think about it, if you take him back, and does this to u again..if ur fine with that, then ok,... pro sq lang hap, i know 8s wrong to say he doesn't deserve you, coz right now, he's a big part of ur life.. and he's the only one you want.... but him giving up on u even b4 it all happened is not a good sign is it?... and trish, someday, he'll gonna regret of ever letting you go...pro ayaw pag.focus anah but believe me on that ;] you got something that im still trying to figure out,.. 

right now, sa imo g.bati (matud pa sa nestea iced tea), i.buhos mo yan! HAHAH la na, inadikk napd...pro seriously, wat im trying to say is, wala ka tlgang lusot for now..and i agree with ur tita, tell him something like how you feel right now or anything...and thats it.. kasi trish, mostly sa among mga lalaki mn gd, if we've decided, then thats it..wla nay lain meaning but that... accept it, and let time heal it... and as wat i've always said to myself, God has a reason for everything that is happening in our lives right now though we may not understand it,.. never stop on believing in Him and to urself coz He'll never give us something that we can't handle and i'll stop here coz meju uber na kataas, hahah nakita na nq ang vid! meju naka.tabang ni xa sq, hope it would help u in some way pd and trish? stay beautiful inside and out .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH2MHs8rtVE

I BELIEVE.

there will always be that first true love. the one that never really worked out but you kept your hopes up too much. the one who got away. the one who taught you all you need to know about love and the one that until now, is still the one you look back to whenever you try to love again. :)

A Broken Heart's Prayer. é.è

Dear Lord,

My friends say that it will heal in time. They say I should busy myself with this and that, date with this guy and that guy. But I don't know Lord. Are these the things that can make me believe in love once again? Are these the things that can relieve this pain I feel in my heart? I am not only hurting, Lord. I feel so angry that I couldn't do anything to avenge myself for this kind of suffering I do not deserve. Do I not deserve true love Lord? Do I not deserve loyalty, sincerity and respect? He makes me feel so bad, Lord. He makes me feel so bad about myself. I built my whole world around him, and he took it all away. I built my self esteem upon his admiration, and he trampled upon it as though it were trash. How can he not feel guilty for what he has done? How can he suddenly be so happy now? 

Please help me Lord, I really don't know what to do. Only your words can comfort me. Only your embrace can soothe my pain. I have given everything I could my Lord, and there is nothing more I can give. I kneel before you now, crushed and broken, empty and afraid to be alone. Hide me under your wings, hold me in your loving arms. Say unto me again how much you love me. Say unto me that you have called me yours and you will never ever let me go. Though men may fail, you remain faithful, steadfast and immovable as a rock. Though men may judge me for all the faults they see in me, you see my heart and reveal to me the beautiful soul you see in me. Help me to let go of my pain, teach me toforgive those who do not even ask my forgiveness. This burden is something I shouldn't carry in my heart. This trouble is not something I should trade away my peace for. I know that I have been done wrong, the things that have happened had been so unfair. Sometimes life's like that. Many things in this life really seem so unfair. But let me not continue being unfair to myself. Let me not punish myself anymore for the things others have done.

I offer unto you my wounded heart, my broken heart.  I know it is you my Lord who will uphold me in the end. If he cannot give me the reason I nedd, help me to understand my Lord. Let me not lose hope. Let me not cast away everything that's good and beautiful in this life. I know that there is so much more in store for me. I know how much love I can still give away because it is you who fills me with everything that I'll ever need. You are the one who loves me truly, eternally, unconditionally. You are the one who has always been there for me and always will be there for me. You are my one true love. You are my forever. You are my strength and my peace and my joy. Surely in your presence Lord, I do not need anything more.

Amen.

BOK.

 I don’t know what words to be use for me to catch your attention but I think I just caught your attention. Hahaha. Pointless ae? Anyway, I just wanna let you know that I’m very thankful to have someone like you.  I know even though we never had a commitment before but deep in our hearts there is this something that constantly connects us even though time had set us apart.  Honestly, the time when I had to decide whom to choose, It wasn’t really easy at all but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t faithful enough to you or to the things I told you and made you feel—you know what I mean. Well maybe that’s just how God planned it. I know I will always have a special part in your heart and you will also have a special part in my heart even if it means being just friends. There’s nothing wrong with that right? :)

I’m really thankful for the love shared and for the time you spent with me during those times I really needed someone to pamper my childish acts. I believe that what you showed me before weren’t lip services because aside from your actions, you also made me feel that I should be given importance and be respected well.

I know that I have hurt you in any way but you know that I was deeply sorry for the pain I caused you. I talked with you and explained to you 8 months ago that sometimes, it’s not always a matter of choice.  I am hurt when I read your comment to a status in a fan page saying “she left me hanging”. Did I? Or maybe that wasn't for me?? :) ‘cause you know what? I explained to you why I needed to chose the other right? :(

I’m doing this because I fully understand what you felt before. Though it’s more painful in my case yet, I now understand that it’s never really easy to have a broken heart

I cannot say that this is karma because karma is for Hindus. Kidding ;) I don’t believe in karma but I believe that in every action, there’s an equivalent reaction. 

I am happy because you’re completely happy now and the thought that you and I are still friends despite of the things we’ve been through like- deleting you in my fb, deleting my tagged posts in your wall, ignored text messages and many other kid stuff actions...  still, we’re friends and that is more important to me now.

Funny it may seem, I consider you as my boy version :) I don’t know if you noticed that.

Ciao!

PS.  Didn’t you know that you taught me to be more faithful to Him? Now you know :) God is always good so always be STILL.

FRIENDS FOREVER TA PERO SOLID SMART KA! HAHA :D

-sweetie <3

LEARNING IS FUN.

I guess the greatest lesson I must LEARN in life  is to NEVER invest deep feelings for someone, NEVER hope that they'll love you the way you want them to, NEVER expect that those sweet gestures and sweet words are true 'coz eventually, everything becomes a past. Sooner or later, they'll drop you off and will leave you nothing. So train yourself to let go of the things you FEAR to LOSE so when they're gone, you won't feel dumb and pathetic all along.


-monster.ü

14th DAY.

hi -- the simplest word to start this blog. I tried and still trying my best to be fine, to be okay but even if I laugh too hard smile to big it doesn't help at all. I've never acted like this before. I mean, I'm one of those who easily forget things that aren't bound to last the "bahala na si batman" attitude but now? I feel like I'm committing one of the deadliest sins which is GLUTTONY why? because I ate all the words I uttered before.

I wonder if you read my previous blog and I wonder if it ever touched your heart cause you didn't respond. Are you that insensitive? :/ I don't think you're insensitive or maybe I'm just trying so hard to think that you still care. *sigh

I'm controlling the urge not to text you and I think I need to congratulate myself for not texting you for three days.

***

I talked to some people whom I thought can help me with this feeling. I talked with Mr. VP, my classmate, who never had a girlfriend since birth. To my tita "lifemate" and lastly to Mr. Calm, who did the same thing to somebody :)

Mr. Vp a.k.a NGSB told me -- trish, maybe he's the type of guy who wants someone whom he can call his FIRST and LAST. Since we have never been in a relationship before we usually have one thing in common "we control our feelings if we think we're falling already because we want to focus solely on the things we need to prioritize- STUDIES"

My respond: If he's like you why can't he tell me frankly that he still needs to finish school or whatever and in the first place I'm not telling him to commit his self to me since his being "i'm not in a rush" attitude won my heart. I admired him when he told me that he doesn't wanna rush things. It simply shows that he wants to put things in order.  I don't think I can cause him to have a low grade in School because I know he's smart. A real smart person can never be interuppetd by small things or by petty quarrels and to think we never had a quarrel.

My "lifemate" tita told me-- "paw, be patient. Don't rush things. Give him what he wants and if it'll take months then let it be". She told me that she can sense that I'm affected for what happened and even asked me "what went wrong?" and I answered "I don't know :( " She also told me. " Text him and tell him what you really feel. If he doesn't reply and you get hurt, you move on". I already told him about my feelings. That i'm hurt and I'm sad but even if he doesn't reply I still don't wanna move on and now, I think I'm the dumbest person on earth.

But just this morning, my tita told me that things will really be okay and she's proud that despite of what happened, I still managed to get good grades in school and for having a positive disposition, as always. I also told her " Tita, I'm slowly trying to understand him. I paused and smiled :) even if it's too hard because he left me hanging. I paused again and frowned :(. But it's okay, I know someday God will give me all the answers I need and in the end, I might be very thankful that this happened. " Tita smiled and told me " Paw, you're really smart! and very optimistic" I think that was indeed a great compliment. Before I forget,  my tita is 9 years older than me but there were times in our lives that I always tell her the things she has to do when it comes to relationships. *laughs

And the last person I asked is Mr. Calm  who did the SAME thing to somebody. He told me-- "ate, maybe he's just ain't brave enough to tell you the reason. Let time heal those wounds te. Reach for him and asked him. If he doesn't reply then you move on but i know you don't wanna move on so again, let time heal those wounds" . I can't believe this!! Mr. Calm is 2 years younger than me and when you see him he looks like a high school student but I never underestimated him for he's like my mon who is 2 years younger than me but when he talks, it's as if he's way too mature. I asked Mr. Calm-- "were you hurt when you left her and gave no reason?" he answered, "yes te". And I asked him "nasakitan pud kaha siya sa iya gibuhat sa ako?" he answered " I don't know with him te, dili man mi pareha. Siya ra maka-answer ana:(" 

***

well i guess i'm quite improving. I'm now trying to understand you --  that you need to focus on some things. I don't feel bad if I'm not your priority instead, I feel glad. Why? It simply shows that you're a man who has a direction in life. The one who doesn't rush things. And believes that if love is true, it waits.

Though I am convinced about what MIGHT your reasons could have been, I still want you to
S-P-E-L-L it out for me since I don't wanna put words into your mouth. Is that too much? :( I thought you want me to be your friend? Is this how you handle your friends? leaving them hanging and making them feel rejected? urrgh.
I hate this :I

You can also tell me if I'm overreacting :/ but I think I'm not. I'm just hurt and I know it's normal.

I'm waiting and waiting is a blessing.

I miss you and I hope things will be okay one day and I hope we're closer to that "one day".

I miss you mon. see you soon :)

10th DAY.

" You have only been gone 10 days but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again. Whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you".

it's been ten days since the day you left me. Still, waking up is not that easy. You were the first person I had in mind every time I woke up for the last month. Do you still remember when I told you "Your good morning texts makes my day beautiful" ? :'(

It still hurts. It hurts so bad.

And you know what hurts most? It's when you make me feel that you don't even care and you don't give a damn. I really don't know how to cope with this feeling. It's something I never felt before. Yes, I NEVER FELT BEFORE but that doesn't even matter to you right? I don't know if you're just playing mind games or *sigh. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. The only person who can help me with this is the same person who caused this and it's you but, despite of the pain you've caused me, I'm still not mad :( but I'm sad. I'm sad because you left me hanging and I cannot seem to understand WHY because we were still very okay the day before you left right? I really am so sad and not even this blog can ease the pain. I just don't know why you left me. Am I too hard to handle?

I don't wanna over-think because I trusted you so much. I gave you my heart BEcause I thought you'll never break it. Same as you saying "I know you won't let anything bad happen to my heart mon".

Almost everything I do reminds me of you. When I wake up, I remember your "good morning mon! I love you very much.ü ". You even told me , " Take care mon. I can't afford to lose you at an early age. " And now??? what went wrong? *sigh. And even a lizard can remind me of you.

This is awful.

I still remember the things you told me. You told me all the sweetest words on earth. I thought that you're for me and I'm for you but things happened the way you want it. You decided this to happen and you made a choice and left me with no choice but with memories and with broken pinky swears. You should have given me a warning or you should have told me the reasons BEHIND.

I always pray that everything will be fine.

I'm praying that you'll stay but  what if you're praying that I'll stay away? :(

I am not mad at you and it's safe to say that even if you broke your pinky swears, my feelings for you is still the same.

I miss you. I miss everything about you. :'(

I don't wanna move on :'(

If you will tell me that I'll wait for you. I am very willing to do that. As long as I know that you will come back.

But if there's no reason for me to wait I'll accept it and feel the pain.

If you'll tell me that you still love me just for once, I'll be happy then and I'll wait for your sweet come-back.

I miss you and I'm sad about your decision.